What to do when he’s just not that into you…because you make too much money is a scary, yet very real issue women face when trying to find love. It is a fact, women are moving up in the world, earning more degrees, making more money, and sliding into higher positions at work. This is great for women, finally becoming financially independent, and not being stranded by men’s financial decisions. However, is the ever-increasing status of women threatening their relationships with men?
Men and Their Feelings When Women Make Too Much Money
A study published in the Quarterly Journal of Economics showed that men were less likely to want to be intimate with women if they were successful and made a lot of money. This study also showed that men didn’t want to feel like they were in “competitive” relationships with women who were smarter, more financially successful, or held higher positions at work. So, what does this mean for women? Stop climbing the corporate ladder because men’s egos can’t handle it? Lie when you first meet a man and downplay your success, so he’s not intimidated?
No. Hell no, in fact. Regardless if you are a teacher or the CEO of a Fortune 500, men’s egos are not your responsibility. AT ALL. Women are evolving into these independent beings who are proving they can be as successful as their determination and institutional barriers allow them to be. If those barriers aren’t in the way, then why should women let these fragile men be?
High Earning Women and Marriage
Getting a man to date you when you are successful is already hard. Then to add on to that, marriage when you are the breadwinner, or the clearly successful partner in the relationship, takes a huge toll on marriage. A study done by the Bureau of Labor and Statistics shows that about 38% of women are the breadwinners in their house. When reporting their stats, they reduce the women’s income by 1.9% while increase the husbands by 2.9% to make up for the disparity.
The risk of divorce for women who make more than their husbands increases by 33% when men aren’t working full time. These stats can be really daunting and intimidating for women who have goals of getting married and not getting a divorce.
How to Date as a High Earning Woman
1. Be honest from the jump
When you start dating, don’t lie about who you are or how successful you are just to rope them in. You don’t want someone who thinks they have the upper leg, then acts crazy when they find out they don’t. If you meet someone, and you tell them what you do, and they give you weird vibes from the jump, then abandon ship right away. You don’t want to spend the rest of however long you’re with this person trying to convince them that you are this docile woman who has no independence. If he is okay with your title upon the first meeting, then he is at least open-minded about potentially having a mate who may be more successful than him. That’s a better starting point than someone who feels insecure before you even get to know them!
2. Don’t downplay your success
Never be afraid to be a powerful f***ing woman. You can find this quote anywhere, and it is true. This ties into the first one, but I wanted to elaborate more. When you are talking about yourself, your accomplishments, your opportunities, you don’t have to dim your light to make a man feel comfortable. If he is not supporting you like you think he should or comes off as hostile instead of impressed, then he’s not going to be strong enough to push you towards your purpose. Significant others are supposed to revel in your success and cheer you on, not secretly resent you and outwardly come off as a hater. You don’t have to be arrogant, but don’t be shy either.
3. Be aware of men’s egos
I double down on the stance that men’s egos are not your responsibility, however, as women, we do need to at least be aware of them. Men’s egos are like our feelings. We would want them to be aware of if they were doing something that really hurt our feelings. The same goes in return. Although you shouldn’t diminish yourself, there is nothing wrong with boosting him in some capacity. Just because you make more money, and may be the decision-maker, doesn’t mean you have to treat him like a little kid who should be lucky to be in your presence. Think about how you would want someone to treat you in the reverse situation? Give them praise for work they do around the house or successes they have at work. If you just start meeting someone, really show interest in what they do, even if they try to downplay it after hearing what you do. If after that, they still are acting crazy, then their egos are not your responsibilities.
4. Don’t sell yourself short
It would be so easy to already feel so insecure about making more money than a man you’re interested in, or after having been told that men are intimidated by you, that you turn down opportunities. If your relationship is already on the rocks, or your man is going through a tough time in life, it may be tempting to avoid exacerbating that issue and telling yourself you don’t deserve an opportunity. That’s BS and you shouldn’t do it. If an opportunity comes your way, believe that you are qualified for it and that your significant other, or any man you meet, should be cheering you on. They should be encouraging you to take on those opportunities to better yourself. Anything other than that is a big no, no.
5. Keep pursuing your goals
An extension of the last point, if he’s just not that into you because you make too much money, well that’s just too bad. That shouldn’t stop you from thinking and planning how to keep moving forward. Men shouldn’t be anchors to your success. They should be jets behind you. Don’t let the pursuit of love pause your pursuit of success. Once you hit a goal, aim higher for the next one and work your butt off to achieve it. If you’re in a relationship, then you can figure out how to make it work; make sure that both of you are able to work towards your goals while also nurturing your relationship. But don’t let the fear of being alone, stop you from trying to be a super successful woman.
6. If he can’t get it together, leave
Period. If you have done all you can do to make him feel supported, while still taking care of yourself, and he is still acting stank, then it’s time for him to go. It is unfair of you to turn down jobs, step back from success, or do anything that a man wouldn’t do for his marriage but wants you to. Having a family is hard, but you make time for it and work together. What is unacceptable is someone treating you poorly or secretly seething because of how much success you are enjoying. If you feel like you aren’t getting the support and cheering that you need, then let him go. There are other men out there who will love you for your drive and your intelligence. There is no need to keep dealing with a man who just isn’t that interested in you because you make too much money. That’s a bad reason to not like you and not one that you need to put up with.
Meet the Author:
Darian Dozier is a first-year medical student and the owner of the blog Melanated and Meducated. She enjoys writing about all sorts of topics, and is interested in promoting diversity in medicine. She enjoys traveling, talking about love, and trying out new recipes in the kitchen. Brunch with friends and hanging out with family are a couple of her favorite pastimes.