Personal Relationships

Are You Dating the Person, Promise, or Penis?

There’s nothing I love more than to pour myself a glass of wine, indulge in my favorite sweets and tune in to watch Iyanla Vanzant come in and try to help people get their shit together. Her show “Iyanla Fix My Life” addresses some hard issues people are dealing with on a daily basis. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I, myself, love helping others and giving advice, or that I always end up with a lesson learned at the end of the hour-long show. Whatever it is, I’m hooked! My favorite episodes are the ones involving struggling dating lives or marriages (I mean, I think that’s kind of obvious lol). One of her more common questions she asks women that find themselves dealing with love and dating related issues is, “Did you fall in love with the person, promise, or the penis?”

I swear that when I first heard Iyanla ask this question I nearly jumped out of my seat! Almost immediately, I took this question and applied it to my own dating life. Let’s just say, that I had quite the revelation and learned a lot about myself. So now I have to ask you, which of the Three P’s is your vice?

Love and The Three P’s

I think the person-promise-penis question really struck a nerve with me because my dating past has had an abundance of failures. At first, it was easy to place blame on the men that I was entertaining, without taking any responsibility for my own actions and decisions. After all, I was the one that decided to deal with them. Back then, when I liked a person I would get so caught up in the lust and excitement without paying attention to much else.

Luckily one day, I was extremely fed up with my dating life and decided to make a change. I made a real effort to identify my bad dating PATTERNS, worked to change them and vowed to start dating with a PURPOSE (we can talk about that in another post). Now I’m in a happy, loving, and HEALTHY relationship. I know that if I didn’t stop and get my stuff together that I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the man that I’m with today, most importantly the woman that I am with him.

There’s no denying that when our feelings are involved, we become vulnerable and can’t always see things clearly. I think as women, when it comes to giving our heart to someone, we have to be real with ourselves first and foremost; and that may involve asking some hard questions. Here are some things to ask yourself regarding the Three P’s:


Did you fall for him because of the sex? Are you dick-matized? As I once discussed in a previous post A Woman’s Right to Hoe, have all the sex you want ladies!  That being said, we all know that adding sex to any situation can be tricky (if we allow it), especially when feelings are involved! Be careful and take stock of your situation.

Causal sex? Cool. Are you trying to be with this person long-term? Does the sex make you feel bad afterwards? It’s possible to have some of the best sex with someone that drains you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

I’m also aware that a lot of relationships are dictated by sex. It’s known that people use sex as a means to get what they want from others, whether it’s money, control, you name it. Men have also admitted to using sex to keep women around without a commitment. So be alarmed..


When I think of promise, I think of potential. You know, you meet someone, and they’re great, you instantly start picturing what your life would be like with them before it’s even happened. In no time, you fall in love with the idea of being their wife, having their kids, and blah blah blah. As a result, you’ve fallen in love with the promise of not being alone and you ignore the red flags that are staring you in the face. I have news for you – promises can be broken.


I can admit, this is the one that I always tended to fall for. I’m a hopeless romantic, and I’ve been known to fall in love with someone’s potential versus who they really are. I would completely overlook what our situation truly was. But not any more! At some point it’s important to take the blinders off and be real with yourself.


Do you really like the person you’re seeing? Like, does the good outweigh the bad? Can you deal with their annoying habits and goofy laugh? I think many people make the mistake of putting their ideas of how someone else should be off on them. Do yourself a favor and take the person you’re dating at face value. Then, ask yourself can you accept them for who they really are.

In Conclusion

When it comes to dating, there is no one sized fit all approach. I think it boils down to knowing yourself, loving yourself and opening yourself up to being loved by others. Just remember, there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. What you want may not always be good for you. Whether you’re drawn to the person, promise, or penis, does it make you happy?

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  • Reply
    March 21, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    What an interesting read. And it makes me smile too. I am inclined towards promise.

  • Reply
    March 21, 2018 at 2:52 am

    I’m definitely a promise person at first and then I do the person thing. This is a great way of looking at it. Somehow I managed to get my shit together and have a really successful relationship. We heat a rough patch at our 1.5 year mark and made a complete 180 with individual and couple’s therapy. I couldn’t be happier. After multiple long-term relationships I know the difference between someone for now and someone for long ass time.

  • Reply
    March 21, 2018 at 2:50 am

    I love her! I love how she’s so in your face trekking you how it is! I love your style of writing. Straight to the point but you make very good points as well!

  • Reply
    March 21, 2018 at 2:06 am

    This post kind of speaks to me and makes me question which of them i have chosen and even though the answer is obvious to me i guess i have to rethink my decision and get a reality check. thanks for sharing this.

  • Reply
    Becca Talbot
    March 20, 2018 at 7:14 pm

    I have never heard of this show before, but I love this article!! I have a friend who has fallen very much for the Penis, and now she’s wondering why he doesn’t want a relationship blah blah…! I will forward this over to her, she has to have a read! x

  • Reply
    March 20, 2018 at 5:25 pm

    I think I definitely chose the right one. I had to get through a few bad apples to get to him though, and it was all worth it. There are definitely hard times where I want to smack him around a little (never do LOL) but I wouldn’t change who I am with. And no, I wasn’t dickmatized. LOL I waited a year before I even said I love you to him, and 6 months before we did the deed.

  • Reply
    Calleigh K
    March 20, 2018 at 12:21 pm

    Since childhood, I was taught this kind of mantra, "you get what you put into something," and I live by this mantra until this day. I try to give the things that I want instead of incessantly looking for others to give it to me. Same way as you invest stuff like time, loyalty, emotion and trust into a relationship because that’s what you ultimately want back.

  • Reply
    March 20, 2018 at 9:00 am

    I admit I LOL when reading your title! I have no idea of this tv show, but I think the question is really appropriate to make you think. I only dated TWO people in my life. The first was a good person, but the other two P weren’t there, if you know what I mean. I was very young, I had all my life ahead. When I was 18 I found the man with all three P’s… he was 24, and we lived in different CONTINENTS. Everyone thought I was crazy to think at age 18 this was the man of my life. But gal, take my advice, if you find the 3 P, you DON’T let go… So that’s how we’ve been together for 20 years and have two beautiful children.

  • Reply
    Nicole Vick
    March 20, 2018 at 4:51 am

    GIRL!!! I cackled so loud this post! It’s so true! I went through my own drama not too long ago and had to blog about it. I think I was dating a promise with a little bit of penis sprinkled in. Found out he was seeing someone else the entire time we were together. And entire = almost 3 years. Hot mess. Anywho, great post!

  • Reply
    March 19, 2018 at 7:12 pm

    This post made me laugh but got me thinking too! I’d like to think a combo of them all!

  • Reply
    Evelyn Foreman
    March 19, 2018 at 4:28 pm

    Great points of awareness. When we know what we are "going for" it makes all the difference in the world of expectations and what we want out of a relationship. In this way, we set ourselves up for clarity and happiness. =) Thanks for raising awareness! xo Evelyn, PathofPresence.com

  • Reply
    March 19, 2018 at 3:08 pm

    I absolutely loved reading this post! I always look forward to your new articles and reading what yiu have to say 🙂 I have made the choice 3 years ago not to date anymore…like ever LOl but I truly am the happiest and most relaxed I have ever been in my life 🙂

  • Reply
    Emily Leary
    March 19, 2018 at 1:49 pm

    This was an interesting read. We all make mistakes along the way and learn from them (hopefully)!

  • Reply
    Jen ~ The Tipsy Mama
    March 19, 2018 at 1:31 pm

    Such a good question that I don’t think a lot of women think about in an honest way until it is put to them in this way! I think alot of us think it is always our heart leading the way, so it must be forever love…when in actuality it is more lust or good sex!

  • Reply
    March 19, 2018 at 12:36 pm

    This post is soo good! I wish I read it like 10 years ago when I stated daing. I dated penises, promises and only once a person. This person is my husband now

  • Reply
    March 19, 2018 at 10:34 am

    It’s a good exercise to pause and think why are we actually with a person, what is the real reason? There are so many ways we can answer this question, and at times it is very difficult to be honest with ourselves … you put together some of the main reasons and questions to ask very nicely though, thank you!

  • Reply
    March 19, 2018 at 5:58 am

    I love this. I really enjoyed reading your blog! I laugh so hard. Nice job. Will definitely be sharing this.

  • Reply
    March 19, 2018 at 3:17 am

    This article has alert all the women out there to aware of the facts and make us realized what really we needed from a man. You have illustrated the list well and thorough! It was fun reading it !

  • Reply
    Dia Darling
    March 17, 2018 at 8:15 pm

    Haha I love this! I have seen many people stick with a man because of sex. I’m personally guilty of dating guys who "have potential" but aren’t living up to it. Finally kicked that habit and that man.

  • Reply
    Esme Sy
    March 16, 2018 at 9:41 pm

    Reality check indeed. I’m fortunate enough with my life but I can’t say that I didn’t have take some blind corners. These 3 things can exist in someway, I think we just need to be careful with how it progresses in order.

  • Reply
    Tara Fuller
    March 16, 2018 at 7:49 pm

    omg I laughed so hard. my trainer and I talk about women who are dickmatized- it’s totally a thing! This was awesome girl!

  • Reply
    March 16, 2018 at 7:21 pm

    Interesting way to put it and so true! Luckily I am happily married and no longer have to figure these things out 😉

  • Reply
    Elizabeth O
    March 16, 2018 at 5:05 pm

    This was interesting to read. I enjoyed reading about the 3 Ps and your thoughts on them.

  • Reply
    March 16, 2018 at 1:19 pm

    I had no idea that this is what the three P’s meant, lol. I fell in love and married my husband for the person that he is, and I guess the other two P’s just came with the entire package, haha!

  • Reply
    March 16, 2018 at 4:19 am

    What an interesting read. I like the way you put your point and explain it, so clear and loud. It is so important to know the 3 P’s and see what is the driving force in a relationship and if it is worth it.

  • Reply
    March 16, 2018 at 3:47 am

    I’ve definitely fallen in love for all three reasons! Luckily, I married the "person", and will happily be spending the rest of my life building a future with him 🙂

  • Reply
    March 15, 2018 at 11:26 pm

    Very interesting read! I am happily married now, however I did take a moment to look back through my failed relationships and I think I have used each "P"!

  • Reply
    March 15, 2018 at 7:52 pm

    I’m so glad I read this, very insightful. I had never heard anyone refer to the 3 p’s before, but it makes total sense. I can relate, I fell victim to many a bad relationship in the past and kept blinders on in hopes that it would turn into the relationship that I wanted.

  • Reply
    March 15, 2018 at 7:15 pm

    This was prob one of my favorite posts of yours! I think we’ve all been in love with the penis a time or two lol. Seriously though, it’s very important to identify which of the three Ps is a driving force in the relationship. I think all women should read this. Great post, boo!

  • Reply
    gigi eats
    March 15, 2018 at 6:04 pm

    Bah ha ha ha ha! That’s a great way of putting it! I am married, and I know I married THE MAN and all that comes with him. 🙂 And when we were "dating"… We were in it for each other! We talk about it/communicate this ALL the time to one another!

  • Reply
    Tiffany Peral
    March 15, 2018 at 3:48 pm

    Good read, very insightful post. Nowadays, it’s so hard to build a worthy relationship, the one that doesn’t waste your time and effort, the one that’s worth it. Thanks for sharing ♥️ ♥️ By any chance you are interested on doing collaborations, you can check out the collaborations portal of Phlanx.com and connect with amazing brands!


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