There’s nothing I love more than to pour myself a glass of wine, indulge in my favorite sweets and tune in to watch Iyanla Vanzant come in and try to help people get their shit together. Her show “Iyanla Fix My Life” addresses some hard issues people are dealing with on a daily basis. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I, myself, love helping others and giving advice, or that I always end up with a lesson learned at the end of the hour-long show. Whatever it is, I’m hooked! My favorite episodes are the ones involving struggling dating lives or marriages (I mean, I think that’s kind of obvious lol). One of her more common questions she asks women that find themselves dealing with love and dating related issues is, “Did you fall in love with the person, promise, or the penis?”
I swear that when I first heard Iyanla ask this question I nearly jumped out of my seat! Almost immediately, I took this question and applied it to my own dating life. Let’s just say, that I had quite the revelation and learned a lot about myself. So now I have to ask you, which of the Three P’s is your vice?
Love and The Three P’s
I think the person-promise-penis question really struck a nerve with me because my dating past has had an abundance of failures. At first, it was easy to place blame on the men that I was entertaining, without taking any responsibility for my own actions and decisions. After all, I was the one that decided to deal with them. Back then, when I liked a person I would get so caught up in the lust and excitement without paying attention to much else.
Luckily one day, I was extremely fed up with my dating life and decided to make a change. I made a real effort to identify my bad dating PATTERNS, worked to change them and vowed to start dating with a PURPOSE (we can talk about that in another post). Now I’m in a happy, loving, and HEALTHY relationship. I know that if I didn’t stop and get my stuff together that I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the man that I’m with today, most importantly the woman that I am with him.
There’s no denying that when our feelings are involved, we become vulnerable and can’t always see things clearly. I think as women, when it comes to giving our heart to someone, we have to be real with ourselves first and foremost; and that may involve asking some hard questions. Here are some things to ask yourself regarding the Three P’s:
Penis
Did you fall for him because of the sex? Are you dick-matized? As I once discussed in a previous post A Woman’s Right to Hoe, have all the sex you want ladies! That being said, we all know that adding sex to any situation can be tricky (if we allow it), especially when feelings are involved! Be careful and take stock of your situation.
Causal sex? Cool. Are you trying to be with this person long-term? Does the sex make you feel bad afterwards? It’s possible to have some of the best sex with someone that drains you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I’m also aware that a lot of relationships are dictated by sex. It’s known that people use sex as a means to get what they want from others, whether it’s money, control, you name it. Men have also admitted to using sex to keep women around without a commitment. So be alarmed.
Promise
When it comes to dating, there is no one sized fit all approach. I think it boils down to knowing yourself, loving yourself and opening yourself up to being loved by others. Just remember, there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. What you want may not always be good for you. Whether you’re drawn to the person, promise, or penis, does it make you happy?
I can admit, this is the one that I always tended to fall for. I’m a hopeless romantic, and I’ve been known to fall in love with someone’s potential versus who they really are. I would completely overlook what our situation truly was. But not any more! At some point it’s important to take the blinders off and be real with yourself.
Person
Do you really like the person you’re seeing? Like, does the good outweigh the bad? Can you deal with their annoying habits and goofy laugh? I think many people make the mistake of putting their ideas of how someone else should be off on them. Do yourself a favor and take the person you’re dating at face value. Then, ask yourself can you accept them for who they really are.
In Conclusion
When it comes to dating, there is no one sized fit all approach. I think it boils down to knowing yourself, loving yourself and opening yourself up to being loved by others. Just remember, there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. What you want may not always be good for you. Whether you’re drawn to the person, promise, or penis, does it make you happy?
The Comments
Acupofassamtea
What an interesting read. And it makes me smile too. I am inclined towards promise.
Jen
I’m definitely a promise person at first and then I do the person thing. This is a great way of looking at it. Somehow I managed to get my shit together and have a really successful relationship. We heat a rough patch at our 1.5 year mark and made a complete 180 with individual and couple’s therapy. I couldn’t be happier. After multiple long-term relationships I know the difference between someone for now and someone for long ass time.
Ching
I love her! I love how she’s so in your face trekking you how it is! I love your style of writing. Straight to the point but you make very good points as well!
jo
This post kind of speaks to me and makes me question which of them i have chosen and even though the answer is obvious to me i guess i have to rethink my decision and get a reality check. thanks for sharing this.
Becca Talbot
I have never heard of this show before, but I love this article!! I have a friend who has fallen very much for the Penis, and now she’s wondering why he doesn’t want a relationship blah blah…! I will forward this over to her, she has to have a read! x
Jenny
I think I definitely chose the right one. I had to get through a few bad apples to get to him though, and it was all worth it. There are definitely hard times where I want to smack him around a little (never do LOL) but I wouldn’t change who I am with. And no, I wasn’t dickmatized. LOL I waited a year before I even said I love you to him, and 6 months before we did the deed.
Calleigh K
Since childhood, I was taught this kind of mantra, "you get what you put into something," and I live by this mantra until this day. I try to give the things that I want instead of incessantly looking for others to give it to me. Same way as you invest stuff like time, loyalty, emotion and trust into a relationship because that’s what you ultimately want back.
NAti
I admit I LOL when reading your title! I have no idea of this tv show, but I think the question is really appropriate to make you think. I only dated TWO people in my life. The first was a good person, but the other two P weren’t there, if you know what I mean. I was very young, I had all my life ahead. When I was 18 I found the man with all three P’s… he was 24, and we lived in different CONTINENTS. Everyone thought I was crazy to think at age 18 this was the man of my life. But gal, take my advice, if you find the 3 P, you DON’T let go… So that’s how we’ve been together for 20 years and have two beautiful children.
Nicole Vick
GIRL!!! I cackled so loud this post! It’s so true! I went through my own drama not too long ago and had to blog about it. I think I was dating a promise with a little bit of penis sprinkled in. Found out he was seeing someone else the entire time we were together. And entire = almost 3 years. Hot mess. Anywho, great post!
Rachel
This post made me laugh but got me thinking too! I’d like to think a combo of them all!
Evelyn Foreman
Great points of awareness. When we know what we are "going for" it makes all the difference in the world of expectations and what we want out of a relationship. In this way, we set ourselves up for clarity and happiness. =) Thanks for raising awareness! xo Evelyn, PathofPresence.com
Daisy
I absolutely loved reading this post! I always look forward to your new articles and reading what yiu have to say 🙂 I have made the choice 3 years ago not to date anymore…like ever LOl but I truly am the happiest and most relaxed I have ever been in my life 🙂
Emily Leary
This was an interesting read. We all make mistakes along the way and learn from them (hopefully)!
Jen ~ The Tipsy Mama
Such a good question that I don’t think a lot of women think about in an honest way until it is put to them in this way! I think alot of us think it is always our heart leading the way, so it must be forever love…when in actuality it is more lust or good sex!
Lyosha
This post is soo good! I wish I read it like 10 years ago when I stated daing. I dated penises, promises and only once a person. This person is my husband now
Alina
It’s a good exercise to pause and think why are we actually with a person, what is the real reason? There are so many ways we can answer this question, and at times it is very difficult to be honest with ourselves … you put together some of the main reasons and questions to ask very nicely though, thank you!
Helen
I love this. I really enjoyed reading your blog! I laugh so hard. Nice job. Will definitely be sharing this.
kumamonjeng
This article has alert all the women out there to aware of the facts and make us realized what really we needed from a man. You have illustrated the list well and thorough! It was fun reading it !
Dia Darling
Haha I love this! I have seen many people stick with a man because of sex. I’m personally guilty of dating guys who "have potential" but aren’t living up to it. Finally kicked that habit and that man.
Esme Sy
Reality check indeed. I’m fortunate enough with my life but I can’t say that I didn’t have take some blind corners. These 3 things can exist in someway, I think we just need to be careful with how it progresses in order.
Tara Fuller
omg I laughed so hard. my trainer and I talk about women who are dickmatized- it’s totally a thing! This was awesome girl!
Brittany
Interesting way to put it and so true! Luckily I am happily married and no longer have to figure these things out 😉
Elizabeth O
This was interesting to read. I enjoyed reading about the 3 Ps and your thoughts on them.
Czjai
I had no idea that this is what the three P’s meant, lol. I fell in love and married my husband for the person that he is, and I guess the other two P’s just came with the entire package, haha!
Preet
What an interesting read. I like the way you put your point and explain it, so clear and loud. It is so important to know the 3 P’s and see what is the driving force in a relationship and if it is worth it.
Josie
I’ve definitely fallen in love for all three reasons! Luckily, I married the "person", and will happily be spending the rest of my life building a future with him 🙂
Patricia
Very interesting read! I am happily married now, however I did take a moment to look back through my failed relationships and I think I have used each "P"!
Nicole
I’m so glad I read this, very insightful. I had never heard anyone refer to the 3 p’s before, but it makes total sense. I can relate, I fell victim to many a bad relationship in the past and kept blinders on in hopes that it would turn into the relationship that I wanted.
Courtney
This was prob one of my favorite posts of yours! I think we’ve all been in love with the penis a time or two lol. Seriously though, it’s very important to identify which of the three Ps is a driving force in the relationship. I think all women should read this. Great post, boo!
gigi eats
Bah ha ha ha ha! That’s a great way of putting it! I am married, and I know I married THE MAN and all that comes with him. 🙂 And when we were "dating"… We were in it for each other! We talk about it/communicate this ALL the time to one another!
Tiffany Peral
Good read, very insightful post. Nowadays, it’s so hard to build a worthy relationship, the one that doesn’t waste your time and effort, the one that’s worth it. Thanks for sharing ♥️ ♥️ By any chance you are interested on doing collaborations, you can check out the collaborations portal of Phlanx.com and connect with amazing brands!
Xoxo,
Tiffany