So, there’s nothing I love more than to pour myself a glass of wine, indulge in my favorite sweets and tune in to watch Iyanla Vanzant come in and try to help people get their shit together. Her show “Iyanla Fix My Life” addresses some hard issues people are dealing with on a daily basis and the show just returned for a new season earlier this month. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I myself, love helping others and giving advice, or that I always end up with a lesson learned at the end of the hour-long show. Whatever it is, I’m hooked! My favorite episodes are the ones involving struggling dating lives or marriages (I mean, I think that’s kind of obvious lol). One of her more common questions she asks women that find themselves dealing with love and dating related issues is, “Did you fall in love with the person, promise, or the penis?” I swear that when I first heard Iyanla ask this question I nearly jumped out of my seat! I took this question and applied it to my own dating life. I had quite the revelation and learned a lot about myself. So now I have to ask you, which of the Three P’s is your vice?
I think the person-promise-penis question really struck a nerve with me because my dating past has had an abundance of failures. At first, it was easy to place blame on the men that I was entertaining, without taking any responsibility for my own actions and decisions. After all, I was the one that decided to deal with them. Back then, when I liked a person I would get so caught up in the lust and excitement without paying attention to much else. Luckily one day, I was extremely fed up with my dating life and decided to make a change. I made a real effort to identify my bad dating PATTERNS, worked to change them and vowed to start dating with a PURPOSE (we can talk about that in another post). Now I’m in a happy, loving, and HEALTHY relationship. I know that if I didn’t stop and get my stuff together that I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the man that I’m with today, most importantly the woman that I am with him.
There’s no denying that when our feelings are involved, we become vulnerable and can’t always see things clearly. I think as women, when it comes to giving our heart to someone, we have to be real with ourselves first and foremost; and that may involve asking some hard questions. Here are some things to ask yourself regarding the Three P’s:
Did you fall for him because of the sex? Are you dick-matized? As I once discussed in a previous post A Woman’s Right to Hoe, have all the sex you want ladies! That being said, we all know that adding sex to any situation can be tricky (if we allow it), especially when feelings are involved! Be careful and take stock of your situation. Causal sex? Cool. Are you trying to be with this person long-term? Does the sex make you feel bad afterwards? It’s possible to have some of the best sex with someone that drains you mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I’m also aware that a lot of relationships are dictated by sex. It’s known that people use sex as a means to get what they want from others, whether it’s money, control, you name it. Men have also admitted to using sex to keep women around without a commitment. So be alarmed..
When I think of promise, I think of potential. You know, you meet someone, and they’re great, you instantly start picturing what your life would be like with them before it’s even happened. You fall in love with the idea of being their wife, having their kids, and blah blah blah. You fall in love with the promise of not being alone and you ignore the red flags that are staring you in the face. I have news for you – promises can be broken. I can admit, this is the one that I always tended to fall for. I’m a hopeless romantic, and a dreamer and I’ve been known to fall in love with someone’s potential versus who they really are and what our situation truly was. But not any more! At some point it’s important to take the blinders off and be real with yourself.
Do you really like the person you’re seeing? Like does the good outweigh the bad? Can you deal with their annoying habits and goofy laugh? I think many people make the mistake of putting their ideas of how someone should be off on them. Take the person you’re dating at face value and then ask yourself can you accept them for who they really are?
When it comes to dating, there is no one sized fit all approach. I think it boils down to knowing yourself, loving yourself and opening yourself up to being loved by others. Just remember, there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. What you want may not always be good for you. Whether you’re drawn to the person, promise, or penis, does it make you happy?