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Relationships

To Tell or Not to Tell…

If you haven’t noticed, my last few posts have covered the never-ending topics that arise when it comes to dating or being in a relationship. Clearly this stuff will never get old!  And as an avid marketer of my very first self-published novel, Dilemmas Of a Damsel (which touches on the complexities in dating), this week will be no different! So a few weeks ago, one of my followers made an interesting post that got a lot of people talking. And like any normal person would do, I read the comments to see what everyone was saying. Unfortunately for you guys the post was taken down. But it was somewhere along the lines of – if you discover that your friend’s boo is cheating, would you tell? The responses were highly intriguing to say the least. I think when it comes to friends, especially close ones; there are some basic rules that come into play. You know, like don’t sleep with each other’s ex, keep their dirtiest secrets to yourself and so forth. But there seems to be this friendship rule loophole in terms of cheating.

“I can’t force her to wake the hell up and dump her cheating atrocious boyfriend.”

— Jade James, Character from Dilemmas Of a Damsel

Honestly, I would prefer to never be put in a situation that requires me to disclose that type of information, because shit can get messy real quick. Now for those of you that are thinking – “Umm no Monique, you’re not being a good friend if you don’t tell.” When it comes to matters of the heart, things aren’t always so straight-forward or clear cut. A relationship is essentially between two people, and no one outside of the relationship will ever know everything. So when you come forward with potentially damning information, anything can happen. Your friend may decide to dump their partner and go all Beyonce “Hold Up” on their ex. Or they may receive the information you shared and decide to do nothing. Or even worse – they may take what you said, go back to their partner and decide that they no longer want the relationship (aka YOUR FRIENDSHIP). Knowing the possibilities makes people second guess sharing what they know. Think about it, you’re basically immersing yourself in a bunch of he said – she said mess. And let’s be honest, you’re risking a lot – especially your friendship.

I’m not here to tell anyone what to do in that situation, because every situation and everyone involved is unique. We all deal with things differently. And just because you know your friend, you may not know just how deep their commitment may be to their partner and what they are willing to deal with. I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve have been in both situations. I was the friend that told, and I was also the friend that was being cheated on. All I have to say is, telling is much easier said than done. And sometimes, your friend may not really want to or be ready to receive the information. The biggest lesson I learned from it all –people are going to do what they want to do. No matter what you or anyone else has to say about it. So if you ever do find yourself in a position that you discover your friend’s boo cheating, here are some things to consider…

  1. Have proof…Whatever you do, make sure you have actual proof of the cheating! Don’t go stirring the pot based on hearsay. Come correct and present only facts!
  2. Know that your name will indeed be brought up…When you tell your friend what you know, you must also know that they are going to confront their partner. Even when you make them promise not to bring your name up – they will! Be prepared for the backlash from their partner- because you’ve ultimately exposed them for what they really are and they are not going to like it. 
  3. Your friend may not react in the way that you expect them to…I think for most of us, if we go to our friend with this information, we’d assume that they take this and end the relationship. But you’d be surprised. Do not walk into this situation with expectations because you leave room for disappointment. Instead focus on being a good friend, no matter what your friend decides to do.

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  • Reply
    Mia P
    July 20, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    Just tell me (with evidence in hand) and I’ll take it from there! Now some forms of cheating CAN be reconciled (yes, it’s taboo to speak on ‘forgiveable’ forms of cheating" but honestly every situation is different). Speaking from experience. Now if we’re talking the type of cheating where it’s a whole affair & kids are involved then we have a mf’n problem!! Because an affair (or side-chick for us unmarried folk) requires an entire cover-up, bucket full of lies & deception. Once trust is lost, it’s damn near impossible to get back. But I would never get mad at a friend for telling me. Maybe because I’m secure with who i am and love myself.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 24, 2017 at 11:11 am

      It’s a very sticky situation and I agree each one is unique. It’s hard to say what I would do.

      Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Brittny
    July 20, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    I’ve been here before, a few times actually. I think it all depends who it is. Sometimes people get upset, especially if you’re bringing something to the light that they’ve been trying to keep in the shadows.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 24, 2017 at 11:12 am

      I think that stems from being embarrassed. Which is completely understandable.

      Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Janice
    July 20, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    Ain’t no way on Gods green earth im staying with a cheating man. When he cheats he is telling me that he doesnt want me anymore. #byebye

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 24, 2017 at 11:12 am

      Once that trust is gone, it’s soooo hard to get it back!

      Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Tomyra
    July 22, 2017 at 3:00 pm

    I’ve been in this situation before. However, I didn’t witness it firsthand, heard it from one of my other girlfriends so I didn’t tell her. I wanted solid proof and not just hearsay. It’s such a touchy situation though because you want to make sure your friend is being treated with respect but at the same time its risky for your own friendship. She ended up finding the "gossip" to be true and isn’t with the guy anymore but I think it’s best for the person to find out on their own.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 24, 2017 at 11:13 am

      I agree. I also think it’s natural to want to protect your friend which is why I think a lot of people would tell. And I agree its a very touchy topic!

      Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Jackie | CareOnSkin.com
    July 25, 2017 at 1:33 am

    It’s a complicated situation. I always believe that the truth will set you free. It can be devastating and hard to accept but what can you do if its the truth. Great post!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:25 pm

      Very complicated! The truth is always great but some people can’t handle it 🙁 Thank you for reading!

  • Reply
    Budget minds
    July 25, 2017 at 1:34 am

    Thanks for sharing this post. It was very informative and will be helpful to many of us.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:25 pm

      Thanks!

  • Reply
    Shell
    July 25, 2017 at 3:34 am

    This is a hard situation and can be difficult to know the right action to take…

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:25 pm

      I agree, it’s a very complicated position to be in.

  • Reply
    Darcy
    July 25, 2017 at 3:57 am

    OH my goodness! I haven’t had to think about this in a long time. Personally, I would hope you are close enough to your friend where she would trust you and find comfort in knowimg vs holding something in like that.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:26 pm

      One can only hope! Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Yeu Doi
    July 25, 2017 at 4:34 am

    Great post. You raise some interesting questions. Will share.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:26 pm

      Thanks!

  • Reply
    neha
    July 25, 2017 at 4:37 am

    Really a very thoughtful insight. These are exactly the points that I had to ponder on at times , whether to tell that friend or not…it’s always a tough place to be in

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:26 pm

      So tough! I hope you are able to find a solution you are comfortable with. Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Charmaine
    July 25, 2017 at 7:00 am

    I also had experienced with "cheating". Dealing with it is really hard and takes a lot of time to heal. I’m glad I had overcome with that emotion. Just always be there for your friend, that helps a lot.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:27 pm

      OMG it helps a bunch! Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Stefanie
    July 25, 2017 at 9:27 am

    This must be such a hard situation… Lucky me i never had to be there. But i was on the other side when my ex boyfriend cheated on me and i really wish somebody would have told me

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:28 pm

      I think the situation sucks for all parties involved. Just know most of the time, the ones that knew and didn’t tell weren’t trying to be malicious! But if anything it is a lesson learned. Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    kelly reci
    July 25, 2017 at 1:16 pm

    i have a bad experience also. luckily im strong and i do the i can. to move forward

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      Go girl! Thanks for reading 🙂

  • Reply
    Adeyemisi
    July 25, 2017 at 1:24 pm

    Hmm… This is quite hard to deal with, what I do know is telling your friend about a cheating bf is not an easy thing… thanks for your suggestions they truly are helpful

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      Glad you think so. Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    shuang
    July 25, 2017 at 2:38 pm

    Oh yes, it is such awkward situation. But if it’s me, I’d tell. Because I’d love to be told one day if my partner is doing shit out there.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      I understand completely. Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Emely
    July 25, 2017 at 9:45 pm

    Even though it is a difficult situation, but I’d be that girlfriend to tell you what it is. You can hate me afterward but at least you know.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:30 pm

      I hear you girl!

  • Reply
    Miss Lady
    July 25, 2017 at 10:36 pm

    Well…. from past experience, not everyone can handle the truth nor does everyone want to hear it. I personally would tell my friend what it is and let her do what she chooses.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:30 pm

      Yes it’s a very complicated situation. Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Misty Nelson Dawn
    July 25, 2017 at 10:48 pm

    What a great post and such a helpful post I will share this with my friends too.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:31 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it!

  • Reply
    Needa
    July 26, 2017 at 1:07 am

    Its the hard time !! when you want to understand people what you are upto !! Will ordered my copy to find out more

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 26, 2017 at 7:31 pm

      Thank you!

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