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Dating Tips

Dating Ms. Independent …

Dilemmas Of a Damsel is a three-part series following three women as they navigate the dating world. Part I follows Jade James, a successful, independent woman that prides herself on knowing exactly what she wants and how to get it. Being a modern woman of today, Jade is an independent go-getter that’s not afraid to go after whatever her heart desires. In the love department, however, she’s had little success. Now pushing thirty, Jade has grown tired of being criticized for her inability to settle down and she wonders if her ambitions have come at the sacrifice of falling in love. Much like Jade, many women face ridicule for being considered too independent and they are often forced to choose between that and love. There seems to be this idea that if you are a woman that wants love, you can’t also be focused on having a career (just an example). So I have to ask, has our new found independence doomed our chances of finding love?

“I’m a modern woman that’s capable of achieving stability, financial security, and happiness on my own. Why isn’t that celebrated? ”

— Jade James, Character from “Dilemmas Of a Damsel”

Being a woman can be thrilling, fulfilling, and pretty complex at times. More and more we are forced to walk a thin line and seek balance in all things. Honestly it can be pretty fucking exhausting. We are expected to be beautiful, loving, kind, submissive, understanding, non-combative and blah, blah, BLAH! But that’s just not realistic. Because much like our male counterparts, we too have ambitions, we too are career driven, and we too are capable of taking care of ourselves (and then some). Gone are the days when a woman’s sole goal was to be swept away by her prince charming, only to dedicate her life to raising a family and taking care of home. That’s all good and stuff but it’s simply not enough – not anymore. It seems that if a woman is too dependent she is seen as a gold-digger, weak, or flat out lazy. But if a woman is self-sufficient and self-sustaining she’s considered un-dateable, unlovable, or utterly intimidating. When it comes to the independent woman and the dating scene –who’s right and who’s wrong?

“You think that ‘cause you’re cute and successful that you’re hot shit, but you need to get off that fucking high horse and stop being so cold-hearted.”

— Brandon, Character from “Dilemmas Of a Damsel”

Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a moment. But let’s be clear – I’m an independent woman but I also appreciate the hell out of companionship. And I can tell you that a lot of us didn’t become this way as a big eff you to society. I like to think that for most of us women – we are independent because we essentially have to be. Times are different. The world we live in today is ever changing- we simply can’t afford to sit around and wait for someone to take care of us, and what’s the fun in that? I’ve always had high expectations of myself, and similar to Jade, I know what I want – and I don’t feel bad about it. I learned a long time ago – if I wanted something I had to put in the work and get it myself. That mindset saw me through high school, college; shoot pretty much my entire life. So when dating and falling in loves comes into play, should I completely forget about that? And if you answered yes, please tell me why.


Now, it appears that this new found freedom rubs our suitors the wrong way. And to be honest, I can understand their frustration at times. In the game of love, you want to be able to show the other person that you are there for them. That you can nurture them, romance them, and most of all support them (emotionally/financially etc.). And for some reason, some women take their independence and run with it making it hard for others to date/love us. There may be times that our tunnel vision shields us from love. We claim we want love but the thought of someone else coming in and messing up out groove turns us off. Why is that? I’m sure some of you know that one female that has forsaken relationships – you know the “I don’t need a man for shit” types. I really think that this is a security blanket, because deep down they simply fear being  let down and disappointed. You can’t let fear cripple you! Ladies, I’m here to tell you – if you are lucky enough to cross paths with someone that wants to contribute something meaningful to your life… let them.

No matter how you look at it I think that we can all agree on one thing: one-sided relationships breed resentment. Staying with someone out of need rather than want can get pretty messy. You never know if there are ulterior motives. Being the only one on the giving end of the relationship can get old real quick. So find comfort in knowing that you both are capable of holding shit down. Instead of competing to be the “Alpha” in the relationship, aim to build a solid partnership that embodies love, support, and respect. Take the opportunity to embrace what you both bring to the situation so that you can build off of that and make a kick ass couple. Ladies, I’m here to let you know that you can have it all! The career, love, babies, and whatever else your damn heart desires. But you have to be willing to open yourself up and allow it to happen if that’s what you really want.

So what do you guys think? Talk to me!

Get “Dilemmas of a Damsel: Part I” here

 

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  • Reply
    Marina
    July 7, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    Words of wisdom! great post! I agree on everything.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 8, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Thank you! Stay tuned for the release of my novel, it covers all the relationship goodies <3

  • Reply
    Victoria
    July 7, 2017 at 3:53 pm

    This is all very sound advice. Trying to be tough just ends up in us sitting in front of the TV at night wishing we had someone. Going through life with sweaty palms, worried about what might happen is no way to live. Very smart post! xo

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 8, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it!!

  • Reply
    Sharon Chanyau
    July 7, 2017 at 10:53 pm

    "No matter how you look at it I think that we can all agree on one thing: one-sided relationships breed resentment. Staying with someone out of need rather than want can get pretty messy" I just love this part. Great advice hun. Well done

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 8, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Thank you!! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • Reply
    Elena Zahir
    July 10, 2017 at 9:45 am

    You make me want to watch that series! I think you raised some very interesting points here and I love how you structured this post with beautiful photography. I’m a firm believer that we can have everything we want too. Thanks for sharing!
    xx Elena
    http://www.elenazahir.com

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 12, 2017 at 12:44 am

      Thank you Elena! I’m so glad that you enjoyed my post! I will be releasing Dilemmas Of a Damsel next month and it will be available for pre-order very soon! Stay tuned for updates! xoxo

  • Reply
    Selina Almodovar | Christian Relationship Blogger & Coach
    July 11, 2017 at 7:26 am

    This was good! I’m a Christian Relationship Blogger/Coach and women are constaystick in the boat of either feeling/being "too desperate" or "too independent". But I agree: if you fight for success in everything else, why not a successful relationship?

    I think our culture has shifted the focus in that having that relationship is no longer needed and if it’s desired, then you must need it! Ain’t nothing wrong with wanting to bring more love in your life! And there’s also nothing wrong with letting that love be a strong force that matches your own strength, as long as it’s the right love!!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 12, 2017 at 12:46 am

      Ahh yes Selina! I agree! There is nothing wrong with being ambitious and wanting love! Society today drives me nuts at times. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic.

  • Reply
    Mia P
    July 11, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    Love this Monique!! The key in all this is finding someone who will be a partner not just a lover with the "boyfriend" title. Someone who understands your drive and will ride with you! And vice versa. I’m happy to say I found this. Even at the point when I thought i was the most un-loveable. Thank you for this affirmation!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 12, 2017 at 12:47 am

      I’m glad you enjoyed it Mia! And yes partnership is key! I’m so happy that you were able to find yours <3

  • Reply
    La Dolce Musica
    July 12, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    What a great article!

    http://nouw.com/ladolcemusica

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 14, 2017 at 11:56 am

      Thank you!!

  • Reply
    Tomyra
    July 22, 2017 at 3:05 pm

    Yes! I totally agree with this article! And women, especially around our age, should strive to be this way! We get so down on ourselves because we try to compare our lives to someone else’s and "not minding our own business" that we lose focus on what we want AND deserve. Be independent, have the man you want, have that career you worked hard for and live the life you deserve sistas!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      July 24, 2017 at 11:14 am

      Yes! Times have changed and I think we can have it all!

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