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Relationships

A Woman’s Right to Hoe…

This past November, the Netflix show “She’s Gotta Have It” has been a major topic of discussion amongst men and women everywhere. The 10-episode series is a charming reboot of the 1986 Indie film (same title) written and directed by the legendary Spike Lee. The show’s protagonist is Nola Darling, a self-proclaimed “Sex-Positive, Polyamorous Pansexual”. In the show, Nola juggles being an artist while being preoccupied by four different lovers. The show addresses a number of modern issues including gentrification, racial profiling, illegal body enhancements, and sexual harassment. Let’s just say that in the midst of all that, Nola and what (or who) she was doing in her loving bed stirred up quite the conversation. In fact, it rubbed a few people the wrong way. The outrage got me thinking – for so long, society has praised single men that sleep around, coining them as bachelors or players. But when a single woman does it, she’s almost instantly branded a slut, thot, or hoe. I think many would agree that being single gives someone a chance to learn about themselves and what they like and want as far as relationships are concerned. So doesn’t that include sleeping around if that’s what one chooses to do? Much like our male counterparts, don’t women have a right to hoe?

There are different definitions, and furthermore, interpretations of what being a hoe actually is. Some folks automatically associate it with prostitution. While others use it as a label for women that have multiple partners. I actually came across a YouTube video that (tried) explained that you’re a hoe if the number of people you’ve slept with is more than half your age. My research was interesting to say the least. I’m going to keep things cute and simple for the sake of this post and say that when I use the term hoe I simply mean sex without commitment.

I’m not here to judge anyone! But clearly there’s a double standard because men don’t have to deal with nearly as many terms or labels when they want to sleep around. (I’ll save that for another time though). However, what pisses me off about this entire debate is that we’re in 2017, soon to be 2018, and sexism is still very much prevalent in our society. If anything, I thought this was a time when the feminist and girl power movement was at an all-time high. But to this day, women are still being emotionally, professionally, and sexually oppressed. That being said, I’m here to tell you that every woman has the right to hoe.

Now of course, I’m not saying that you have to. In fact, some women have done the complete opposite – completely abstaining from sex until marriage (think Fantasia and Meghan Good) and it worked out well for them! But if you wake up one day and want to – that’s your choice! We live in a time, now more than ever, where it’s ok to be yourself and live in your truth. If commitment is not something you want right now, do you boo! Personally for me, I think waiting until you’re married to sleep with one person for the rest of your life is dated as hell and COULD be a recipe for disaster. (Only if you’ve never had sex before.) That ideology is a thing of the past. More specifically, marriage is not the end all be all for us anymore. That being said, are we supposed to live like nuns? Hell to the NO! Please don’t take offense to what I’m saying – hear me out. Sex is a part of life; it’s meant to be enjoyed.
What’s wrong with casual, non-monogamous sex amongst consenting adults? Not a damn thing. There’s something highly appealing about not having to answer to anyone regarding what or better yet, who you’re doing. But once you add commitment to the mix, expectations and the need to disclose soon follow. I think going through a hoe-phase benefits relationships in the long-run. It enables you to learn about yourself and figure out what you really want. You owe it to yourself to know exactly who you are and what you are before you can give yourself to anyone. That way, when it comes time to settle down (if that’s what you want), your eyes aren’t wandering and you’re not asking yourself “What if?” So if that requires you to take a few folks to bed… so be it! Moral of the story: we are all adults here. People (men and women) should be able to express their sexuality without facing such harsh judgment. Quite frankly, it’s no one’s damn business what or who you decide to do!So hoe on my friends! Just remember a few things…
1. Make sure that lifestyle is for you! Fact: some folks can’t handle sleeping around. And that’s perfectly fine, better to know that if you ask me. Understand what you can and can’t handle first and then move forward. Don’t try to fill a void with sex; that can get messy and get you into some trouble.
2. Be smart! Karma is very much a thing. Hoe on boo. But don’t be out here sleeping with people that are in relationships and things! You don’t need that on your conscience and there are plenty of fish in the sea.
3. Be safe! I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. Either way, protect yourself and make sure you’re getting tested regularly.

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  • Reply
    Wytrina
    December 14, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    I went through my “hoe phase” before I got saved and in that timing I thought it was necessary but now knowing the damage it can do I don’t care saved or unsaved it causes damage so your advice stands! Be safe, know what you can handle and don’t be out here cheating with other people’s mans lol great post

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:01 pm

      Hey Trina! Yes I think it all depends on the person! And it can cause damage if you’re not careful!

  • Reply
    Astin
    December 14, 2017 at 2:44 pm

    Wytrina! Awesome comment, Girlfriend 🙂 … Mo, BOMB article. Ho Phase. Some can do it – some can’t. I think that in a world we live in today, liberation is SO important. DO YOU! Make YOU happy! However, as you stated, it comes with a price. #Karma. Most important message of this article, "Do you Boo-Boo but BE SAFE." Black women, we are the leading cases of HIV/AIDS in America. Let’s break the STIGMA.! #Blessings.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:01 pm

      Hey Astin boo!! Thanks for stopping by! And YES!! I agree

  • Reply
    Alicia
    December 15, 2017 at 10:17 am

    Well said. I think as a woman you have to know what you can handle. Not everyone can handle the hoe life lol. And if you can, do you! Everyone goes through the phase (men and women). What annoys me the most is when women get judged for it. Whatever you choose to do with your body, is your business just rememeber to be safe and keep it cute.

    Ps. Give me those pants!! 🙂

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:02 pm

      Hey Alicia! Thank you, that’s all I’m saying! Let people hoe is peace lol!

      They are from missguided!

  • Reply
    Komal
    December 15, 2017 at 1:00 pm

    Holy crap I love this post! I have been wanting to see that show and had no idea what it is about. I feel like women should be able to do what ever the fuck they want to do!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:02 pm

      Thank you! Glad you like it!

  • Reply
    Angie D. Hills
    December 15, 2017 at 1:19 pm

    Great post – I haven’t seen the show or heard anything about it. But I love the points that you make on the differences in women & men – I’m all for equality. As you said – it may not be for all & no judgment – but there should be the right to live your own lifestyle.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:03 pm

      Thank you! It’s on Netflix if you ever decide to check it out!

  • Reply
    Nik G
    December 15, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    I’ve watched all of the episodes of She’s Gotta Have It, and I enjoyed it. I don’t think the show is TOTALLY realistic in some aspects, but I think every person should date on their own terms.

    -Nik
    http://www.CurlsAndACamera.com

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:13 pm

      I agree, the last episode was a bit odd lol

  • Reply
    Bea
    December 15, 2017 at 4:46 pm

    I have never watched this show so I think I need to go and have a look! But I do agree, everyone has their own lifestyle, as long as it suits them 🙂 We don’t all need the same thing

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:13 pm

      Yes check it out! It’s good.

  • Reply
    Sydney
    December 15, 2017 at 4:50 pm

    I had my own issues with She’s Gotta Have It but her sexual freedom was not one of them. I think the choice to have as much (or as little sex) as one wants is necessary and I am glad society is beginning to allow women to live that way.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:14 pm

      I agree!

  • Reply
    Joanna
    December 15, 2017 at 8:43 pm

    I liked She’s Gotta Have It, I thought it was a really smart show, except for maybe the last episode. That was very strange. I do think that men and women should live as they like to without being judged.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:14 pm

      Haha yes the last episode was very strange lol

  • Reply
    Samantha Lowery
    December 15, 2017 at 11:17 pm

    Great post Monique! Great advice! Keep it coming Mo!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:14 pm

      Thank you! <3

  • Reply
    Cleo
    December 16, 2017 at 1:04 am

    I love this article! Love the fact you’ve addressed the double standards placed on women unnecessarily! Well written and perfectly illustrated! (gotta love an Issa Rae meme)

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:15 pm

      Thank you! And yes Issa is my sister in my head lol

  • Reply
    Sarah | Diamonds N’ Denim
    December 16, 2017 at 4:43 am

    I love this post. I love that women are more socially accepted in the US to do whatever they please (in and out of the bedroom!). I was one of those strange girls who waited until marriage to have sex, and it has worked out so well for my husband and I. We’re very compatible, content, and comfortable to do lots of exploring and experimenting. Personally, I’m very content with my number only being one, and I have no regrets or fomo. BUT- I have a good friend who is now married who went through a “hoe phase”, and she doesn’t regret it one bit. Because society has changed so much to accept women for so many of their choices, sexual and not, both of us are comfortable with the reality of our backgrounds. I don’t feel like a “prude” and she doesn’t feel like a “Whore”. I’m thankful for our societial acceptance in 2017. Thank you for sharing this!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:16 pm

      Hi Sarah! Thanks for sharing your story! Yes I think it all depends on the person!!! We should just try and be more understanding!

  • Reply
    Jagriti Roy
    December 16, 2017 at 11:45 am

    I completely agree with your advice that one should always put their safety first before presenting them to be smart. Loved the way you written the whole post and tried to shape some advice from that..

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:16 pm

      Thank you !

  • Reply
    Thena
    December 16, 2017 at 6:50 pm

    Great article and you talk about some really interesting topics. To each their own is what I always say!!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:16 pm

      Thank you!

  • Reply
    vasundhra
    December 17, 2017 at 12:31 am

    I haven’t seen She’s Gotta Have It but would like to watch it after reading your post. Gender bias is real and our society favors men over women. This article is a great reminder that we should do what we want to do and not be bothered by what others say.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:17 pm

      Yes be sure to check it out! I think you’ll like it!

  • Reply
    Shell
    December 17, 2017 at 3:08 am

    I haven’t seen that show but will now add it to my netflix lineup. I love this post because I think it’s awesome that you are empowered and share that with other women. We can be strong and empowered making choices that work best for us.,..

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:17 pm

      Thank you! Let me know how you like it.

  • Reply
    Angela Ricardo Bethea
    December 17, 2017 at 2:10 pm

    That kind of topic is really trending nowadays. For me, it is so sensitive to talk about. But I believe that we all have the right to choose on how we will spend our life. As long as you know deep inside that you are happy for what you area doing, go! 🙂

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:18 pm

      It is a sensitive topic but I think it helps to open up the dialogue. Thanks for stopping by!

  • Reply
    corinne & Kirsty
    December 17, 2017 at 2:44 pm

    I haven’t seen the TV show but I have heard of it. That’s funny how it always causes outrage when it is about a women. Misogyny and all. Everyone should be allowed to lead their life as they wish without other judging

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:18 pm

      Yes it never fails!

  • Reply
    Evelina
    December 17, 2017 at 2:50 pm

    I couldn’t agree more! As long as it doesn’t harm anybody it’s nobody’s business what you decide to do with your life and body. Out of topic, I absolutely adore your trousers.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:18 pm

      AMEN TO THAT!

      And thank you! Got them from missguided!

  • Reply
    Sneha
    December 17, 2017 at 4:24 pm

    I really believe everyone has the right to choose and no one has the right to judge individuals based on their age or gender. Life is too short to think about what other people will think.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:19 pm

      I agree!

  • Reply
    Ellie Plummer
    December 17, 2017 at 8:27 pm

    This is so so true. What a woman chooses to do with her life and body is her business and her business only. Life is too short to judge other people, focus on your own.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      December 17, 2017 at 10:19 pm

      I agree! Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Ariel
    December 18, 2017 at 12:52 am

    This is a very true post. Everyone is entitled to live their lives how they want. We shouldn’t make fun of people for their livestyle choices. Everyone will always have different views on lifestyle choices. All I have to say is you be you, I will be me and life will be good. 😊

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:02 pm

      Thanks for stopping by!

  • Reply
    Genelle
    December 18, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    First of all, I loved this series and frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with what you’re saying. Like you said, things are more accepted these days. You can be anything or anyone you want…so why is it that in 2017 women are still being judged on their sexual preferences? It’s ridiculous. Do what makes you happy and forget everything else.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:02 pm

      I hear that!

  • Reply
    Irina
    December 18, 2017 at 7:42 pm

    I love the pictures! The pants are so awesome:)

    irinathayer.com

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:03 pm

      Thank you!

  • Reply
    Nina
    December 19, 2017 at 12:03 am

    I have always felt like everyone should just do what makes them happy. If someone wants to wait until they get married or aren’t into casual sex, it’s no big deal. And if someone wants to have casual sex, they can do what they want as well. I believe when we are truly happy with ourselves, it doesn’t matter if someone does something differently.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:04 pm

      I agree 100%!

  • Reply
    Ashley
    December 19, 2017 at 5:49 pm

    Intersting article, I can understand your point of view. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:04 pm

      Thanks for reading!

  • Reply
    Julie Hartwell
    December 20, 2017 at 1:42 am

    This is so true girl. Thanks for sharing. PS. LOVE your outfit. 🙂

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:04 pm

      Thank you! xoxo

  • Reply
    Laura
    December 20, 2017 at 3:55 am

    Great post! I come from France where women are way more open about their sexuality and have sex with different partners as much as men do. Do whatever you want to do as long as you respect yourself and does not hurt anybody!
    xx
    Laura

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:05 pm

      Exactly!! Glad you enjoyed it!

  • Reply
    Tonya Tardiff
    December 20, 2017 at 6:34 pm

    I couldn’t agree more!!! Hate the double standard — it’s bullshit. AMEN to #womenpower

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:05 pm

      ugh me too!

  • Reply
    Julia Comil
    December 20, 2017 at 10:00 pm

    Great post and love how you are speaking with the subject! Being safe is important and doing what’s sound good to you will make you happy!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:05 pm

      Thank you!

  • Reply
    KatWalkSF
    December 20, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    I love this! You are fabulous!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:05 pm

      Aww thanks girlfriend! <3

  • Reply
    Melissa Baswell Williams
    December 21, 2017 at 6:10 am
    1. You are a babe. 2. Those pants are amazing. 3. I need to watch that show.
    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:06 pm

      Haha! Thanks so much beautiful!! And yes you do! They just got approved for a season 2!

  • Reply
    StuartBrazell
    December 21, 2017 at 7:41 am

    These are such great tips and a very empowering read!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:06 pm

      Glad you liked them!

  • Reply
    courtney
    December 21, 2017 at 3:48 pm

    First of all, you look bomb in this pictures!! But really though, I love this article simply because its one of those taboo topics to discuss! Every person has the right to do what they want to do with their bodies, man or woman. This idea that women can’t explore sexually without being a "hoe" is dated af! I dint think being a hoe is in numbers anyway, I think its all about how you carry yourself and the manner in which you do your thing lol. I of course think we should all take precautions and be safe, but yes..we all have the right to do whatever tf we please!! Hoe on, sista!

    Xo,
    Consuella

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:07 pm

      Haha!! Yes boo I agree! Thanks for stopping by!

  • Reply
    Nicky
    December 21, 2017 at 10:13 pm

    It was a very good read! Thanks for sharing this topic!
    Nicky x
    http://www.nickyinsideout.com

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:07 pm

      Glad you liked it!

  • Reply
    Tiffany Yong
    December 22, 2017 at 6:23 am

    I feel so proud of you for speaking out! My bf actually said similar things as you too~ I mean the part where you wait till marriage for sex and ended up not enjoying it with your partner etc… He has been pretty open with me and want me to give feedback every time, and this really helped!

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:08 pm

      Aww thanks love! I’m glad you got some answers!! Stop by again!

  • Reply
    Deb Savage
    December 22, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    This was such an open and honest post. SO many think that you just need to abstain until marriage but that is not for everyone especially in this day.

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:08 pm

      It damn sure isn’t!! lol

  • Reply
    padlok
    January 2, 2018 at 4:13 pm

    who you have sex with is your business regardless of your sex, of course no double standard should exist. can i say though that when you choose to use the word "hoe" (a shortened form of "whore") to denote "sex without commitment" you are attaching negative connotation to the concept of "sex without commitment". if you do not use "hoe"-ing to describe a guy’s sexual experiences then you’ve made the negative connotation something that only applies to women, and even if you do use it for guys then the negative connotation still applies to the concept in general. isn’t the point of the article the opposite?

    • Reply
      Monique Elise
      January 3, 2018 at 7:01 pm

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your comment. It is a figure of speech that I wanted to use and turn a negative into a positive.

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